Divorced Parents, Plus-Ones + Other Sticky Situations

While your future mother-in-law’s barrage of unsolicited wedding advice might drive you to get Caller ID and look into the Witness Protection Program, we have a few bits of acquired wisdom to share that you might actually appreciate. Having photographed hundreds of weddings, we’ve seen it all, after all. Check it out:

Dear Studio Blue,

 My parents are divorced and being totally selfish about our wedding. My fiancé and I want portraits of each side of our families, as well as a big group shot of both families together. My parents don’t talk to each other, and now they are refusing to even be in the same photograph together. How can I convince them to put aside their petty differences and think about what we want on our big day?

 — Fed Up

Well, Fed Up, we assume you’ve already tried to talk to your parents about this in a calm, rational manner. If you’ve only made demands, rather than explaining that you love them dearly, that family means a lot to you, and that you’d be forever grateful if they’d agree to appear at opposite ends of a photograph, then your parents might be equally fed up with you at this point. If you have tried and failed with the gentle plea, then you’re unlikely to succeed with threats or tantrums, so you might have to find a new Plan B.

 Unfortunately, our Plan B suggestion might be something you don’t want to hear: let it go. What you see as petty differences are insurmountable obstacles to them. This is your big day, as you say, and you don’t want to force awkward and upsetting situations that might rain on your parade. Furthermore, will you really look all that fondly at those family pictures down the road, when you know they reflect only false happy memories? Try focusing on capturing the real happy memories that will be created on your day.

Absolutely take separate photos with each parent, however. They do love you and want to welcome your fiancé into their respective families. Also, they’ll already be feeling uncomfortable about being in the same place together, and you want to be sure to make each feel appreciated and included.

 *

Dear Studio Blue,

We’re running on a pretty tight budget for our wedding, and have decided not to extend “plus-one” invitations to our single friends. But our reply cards are starting to come in and we’ve already gotten three RSVPs for uninvited dates! How can we gently tell our friends that the invitation is for them alone?

 — Party Pooped

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way out of this – we can only advise you to stick to your guns. You’re going to have to call each friend individually (resist the urge to email, please – it will only create potentially calamitous misunderstandings of tone) and explain that you and your fiancé simply can’t afford to include everyone’s guest, so you have decided not to include any of them. Feel free to go on to each friend about how you would love to make an exception just for them, of course, but that your fiancé wants to make exceptions for all of his friends, too, so, it’s just not possible. A little white lying won’t hurt here.

At the same time, don’t belabor the point. Say what you have to say, then move on to how happy you are they can come to the wedding, how excited you are about the big day, how difficult it’s been to find the right band, etc. Let them know that the case is closed, but that you’re glad they’re able to participate in the wedding.

 Dear Studio Blue,

My future husband and I can’t agree on our First Dance song. I’m upset because it sets the tone for our whole marriage and has to be perfect. What should we do?

— Twinkle Toes

You might be over-thinking this one, Twinkle Toes. Your first dance is supposed to be fun, not a foreboding moment on which your entire fate as a couple rests. You can pick a song that has significance to the two of you – the one you danced to on your first date, the one he serenaded you with on your 10th – or you can just pick something light and classic that you’ll enjoy dancing to.

Unless he’s insisting on Baby’s Got Back, consider letting him win this battle. Or surprise your parents by dancing to one of their wedding songs. Or find an old standard you can agree on – check out classics by Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald. No matter what you go with, what’s important is looking into your partner’s eyes, being together and enjoying the moment.