Tips for Putting Together a Guest List

Even if you’re still gaga over your recent engagement, you should know that your first wedding-related tiff is just around the bend. But lest you think we’re trying to rain on your prenuptial parade, know that we think the many small arguments that you and your fiancé will have during the course of your engagement are great practice for marriage – better than counseling, really and much cheaper. Plus, then you get to make up afterwards, right?

One sticky subject that can take weeks to resolve and tends to pull numerous players into its vortex is the guest list. Even if you and your fiancé are on exactly the same page, there’s no guarantee that your parents and in-laws are going to agree. In fact, empirical evidence suggests that they are more likely than not to disagree with you, with each other, and to more than once send you into a hair-tearing frenzy or running for a glass of wine in which to weep. All we can say is…the situation is short-lived, it’ll all work out in the end, and you’ll have really deserved that honeymoon in Aruba.

In the meantime, we recommend that you and your fiancé decide what you want in terms of numbers and types of guests before getting the rest of the family involved. Next, you’re going to have to decide how adamant about your guidelines you’re willing to be. Determining factors include overall budget, location, venue capacity, and, most importantly, who’s paying for the wedding (if you are, then great – stick to your guns. If your parents are, then you’re going to have to give them a lot of leeway, and then decide which like privileges to extend to your in-laws. See? Sticky already.)

In general, whatever guidelines you set will have to be universally applied in order to keep the peace. Your fiancé can’t invite his 42 second cousins? Then, you can’t invite your six. Your mother insists on inviting a bunch of old college friends whom you’ve never even met? Then, you can hardly take issue with your mother-in-law’s book club, even if you’ve never met them, either.

A few more tips and guidelines to consider when first approaching your guest list:

• Kids or no kids? This is a big one. If you decide against inviting kids, then only immediate family can be excepted. You can’t pick and choose which kids to invite.

• Coworkers or no coworkers? Always dicey. If there’s a clear line between good friends and mere colleagues at work, then you’re okay. If not, tread carefully.

• Cousins? Second cousins? Even if one family is much bigger than the other, stick to the same rule on both sides.

• Plus-ones. Sigh. You do have to decide, and, again, can’t pick and choose. Some couples draw the line at live-in partners. Prepare to have to do some explaining and excuse-making to newly-partnered friends.

• Old friends you haven’t talked to in over a year? Always tricky. You and your fiancé will have to decide together which to invite.

• People invited to your shower? You shouldn’t invite anyone to your main shower who’s not invited to the wedding. If your mother-in-law wants to throw you a separate shower and invite a bunch of her friends, then you can leave that dilemma up to her. Another exception is the office shower: if your coworkers get together to honor you and buy you a gift, that is perfectly lovely of them, but does not necessarily mean that you have to invite them all to the wedding.

• Guests at bachelor / bachelorette parties? Typically, these are informal, inclusive events. You do not necessarily have to invite all of these people to the wedding. But if they each shelled out 1,000 bucks for a blow-out weekend in Vegas, then they must be pretty close friends, after all.

• Your friend’s abusive husband? Unfortunately, she picked him and you have to include him (which doesn’t mean you have to stop giving him the evil eye).

• People to whose weddings you were invited? There’s no payback rule here. You will have different invitation criteria and limitations than they did. Use your discretion.

There will be other small guest-list battlegrounds, but these tend to be the biggest. If you’re able to keep your sense of humor during the process and to remember that the presence of your fiancé’s mother’s ex-con-dog-walker isn’t going to mar your perfect love and your big day, then you’re all set.

Finally, if you’re bent on a small wedding, don’t forget the magic that a destination wedding can work on your guest list. Siberia might be cold, but you’re sure to get your cozy, intimate gathering.